Jesus, I might have asthma

Thanks to the vast amounts of information available on the internets, self-diagnosis is much easier than reading medical jargon in huge textbooks. It's also a lot less accurate. It's pretty easy to scare yourself into thinking you have cancer because your tongue was hurting this morning.

Yesterday I rode my bike up a long, gradual hill. It was hard, I'm not going to lie. I nearly fell over, and apparently I was grunting and wailing quite a bit because at the top I realized we were beside a golf course and there were three men standing right there staring at me. As it happened, as soon as I stopped at the top of the hill, I suffered an immense wheezing attack. I. could. not. breathe. It was rather terrifying, to be honest. It lasted a good few minutes, and then I got back on my bike to ride home. This probably doesn't sound like a good idea (because it wasn't), but we were pretty far from home and walking in cycling shoes is not my idea of a good time. Walking for an hour in cycling shoes would have put me in tears. So, I got back on my bike, coasted down a few hills, pedalled easily on the flats.

Then, there was a small hill. I said screw it, I'm fine, and rode up it no problem. Good. Then there was another hill. I said screw it, I was fine on the last one, and rode up it. I started coasting down the other side, and Wheeze McWheezerton came around to visit again. Fucking prick. So, I stopped and walked up the next hill (it's very hilly around here, I may have mentioned this before), and then rode the rest of the way home.

Based on my sleuthing skills, I believe I might have exercise induced asthma. My dad has allergies, as does my sister, and my youngest sister had asthma as a baby, so the whole thing runs in my family. I've experienced the wheezing and difficulty breathing before while running, but not while biking. The intensity of biking is normally much lower.

I sure wish my benefits would kick in so I could get my ass to a doctor. So, you know, I don't die. I like to avoid dying as much as I can. In fact, I've sort of dedicated my life to it.

Turn your head, now baby just spit me out

So Michael Jackson died. It has left me wondering what it must be like to die a different colour than one was born. I suppose it won't matter for much longer, unless they cryogenically preserve him against the time we discover how to breathe life into frozen dead people. Actually, they no doubt will keep him around. It's Michael Jackson. We'll need someone to make fun of in the future.

I got myself a brand spankin' new haircut today. I hadn't had a haircut in a long time. I let it go longer than one should, really. My split ends had almost reached the roots, is what I am saying. Anyway, I went to see Melissa at Acqua. I love Melissa, she is awesome. She's also currently very pregnant, it must be killing her to be on her feet all day. Anyway, she turned me into this:



I quite like it. It's pretty much what I had before, but the bangs are slightly different. It's plenty lighter. I will definitely appreciate it for the summer.

Next week is a 3 day work week for me. It's not ideal, I get Wednesday off and I'm taking Friday. Unfortunately I have to be in Thursday, so it will be a bit odd, but we'll make do. The boy and I are going home to the Waterfront Festival, as we do every year. It's the only time of year Cobourg is actually fun. I love it to pieces. I hope the weather co-operates. It likely won't.

I must go get ready to go for a run. The thunderstorms have paused for a bit and the boy will be back soon for me to join him. Off I go!

Today I rode my bike up a hill

This is your cue to roll your eyes and scoff at what I think a great accomplishment is. Aw, what a cute little girl, she rode up a hill! All by herself!

Fuck you.

Allow me to explain why this warrants an actual entry into this blog:

I ride a road bike. I ride a beautiful, excellent road bike. One that you would take home to your mother. And then take it home and fuck the daylights out of it. My point is, my bike is awesome and it's better than yours.

My bike has clipless pedals, which means I shove my feet into shoes that have cleats, then clip those shoes into my pedals. Thus, to effectively stop my bike without tipping over, I have to unclip one of my pedals before the wheels stop spinning. It took me a while to get the hang of that actually, and I got a few scrapes and bruises from the learning process. I still fall sometimes, especially if I have to stop unexpectedly.

When climbing a hill, it is imperative that the wheels continue spinning so that the bike moves forward. Simple physics, really. In order to keep the wheels spinning, I have to pedal continuously, without stopping. I am not able to unclip a pedal while I am spinning my feet in the pedals. Therefore, when the climbing of a hill has already commenced, I am not given the option to stop without tipping over, which, as discussed above, hurts.

The hill that I faced today was the base of the mightly Milton escarpment. It's a baby hill really, when compared to the roads that wind up and down the face of it. I was about 40 minutes into the ride though, and I had just climbed a somewhat smaller but steeper hill so my legs were wobbly. I looked at this hill ahead of me, and I started to cry. There was no way I was going to make it up this hill. A cyclist travelling in the opposite direction coasted down it at about 40 km/h and cheerfully waved to me. I cheerfully waved back through my streaming tears. Before I knew it, I had started climbing. Three seconds in, I was in my easiest gear, and I realized there was no going back. Thirty seconds in, I seriously considered just falling to the grassy shoulder on the right. About a minute in, my legs and lungs were burning so badly I was shocked I didn't see flames leaping around my face. At that point, I was almost at the top so there was no way in bloody hell I was stopping. The top of the hill was a busy intersection anyway, so if I had fallen close by I probably would have been run over by a car.

I made it though. I made it. I cried, I screamed, I wheezed and my ears bled a little, but I made it up my Big Girl hill.

It was a good ride.

An Homage to the Depot

I never thought I would have the need, desire, or the bladder capacity to participate in a 3 hour trip to Home Depot. I definitely never foresaw the need to visit Home Depot more than say, once a week. I never really thought about Home Depot all that much, except how much I hated it when I was dragged there by my parents when I was little.

The past couple weeks I have spent as much time at Home Depot as I have sleeping. In fact, I am pretty sure that at one point I actually was sleeping at Home Depot.

Do you know what's really nice about Home Depot? If you stop and stand in one place for, oh, 10 seconds, approximately 17 Home Depot employees will ask how you are, if you're finding everything alright, if you need any help, and if you can move your ass so the big box doesn't fall on your head.

I have spent around a month's salary at Home Depot. In the past two weeks. I have not bought any appliances. I have not bought tiles, or cabinets, or granite counter tops. I have spent a buttload of cash on necessary household items plus paint.

This weekend I will probably visit the Home Depot at least twice. The first time to pick up some lawn maintenance tools like a trimmer and maybe some shovels, and the second time to pick up everything we forgot to get the first time, like compostable green bags and a patio set.

I love my new house. When I get back from the Home Depot and everything is set up to my liking, I will post some pictures.

Little Jackie Paper loved that rascal Puff

When I was little, my mom used to sing lullabies to my sister and me when we got into bed. Those were some of my favourite times. I especially loved when mom would lay with me up on the top bunk (instead of Justine on her easier to reach bottom bunk) and she'd let me sing the part of the queen in Lavendar's Blue.

I loved the song Puff the Magic Dragon. She used to sing that one to us often. It had a nice melody and it was a pretty story. Unfortunately, it also made my little sister cry like a baby, so after a while Puff got scrapped.

I was singing in the shower not too long ago, and realized I only remembered the first few lines of the song. So, in the interest of preserving the good memories of my childhood, I'm putting the lyrics here.

I will never have an awkward silence alone in the shower again.

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee

Little Jackie Paper loved that rascal Puff,
and brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. Oh

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee

Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail
Jackie kept a lookout perched on Puff's gigantic tail,
Noble kings and princes would bow whene'er they came,
Pirate ships would lower their flags when Puff roared out his name. Oh

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee

A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend, Puff could not be brave,
So Puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave. Oh

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee

K-k-k-k-kids love my nuts

Because I have a gloriously long commute to work, I get to listen to the boys on The Edge morning show every day. They're frickin' hilarious, and I often end up terrifying the drivers surrounding me by spontaneously busting out the laughter.

Yesterday, a listener emailed in a remix of the infamous Slap Chop commercial. Vince, who we also know from Shamwow, has got some explaining to do.



Seriously? Seriously. It's even better if you don't watch, just listen to the audio. I was laughing so hard in the car, there were tears streaming down my face and I was in danger of a high speed collision.

Find!

Andrew and I drove around town today looking for yard sales because we're 67 and love old vases. We found a big team effort sale, and also scored the jackpot for bikes. They had an old women's Fuji road bike, a pretty black one that was just my size. I offered the lady $20 and she took it.



Hehe. I did some research into it, and I believe that it is a 1988 model.

According to Andrew, it has really good parts, and it's pretty light for an old bike.

It was probably like $600 new, so even though it's as old as my sister, $20 was a total steal.

I will ride this bike like a bucking bull.