Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Y'all ready for some TMI?

I could write hundreds of posts on things that can happen during pregnancy and childbirth that no one ever tells you about, and I had uncomplicated ones. We'll call this one item# 273: granulation tissue.

I had an episiotomy and extensive tearing during birth, because that's what the baby gods decreed. This resulted in about half an hour of stitching by the OB, which was not pleasant. Especially because that area is at best tender, and this was not at its best, seeing as a human had just torn his way out of there. Plus I hadn't had an epidural, like I had wanted, because there wasn't time to administer one. That is a different post completely, and one that will not likely get written because reliving that experience is not on my to do list.

Anyway, due to the cutting and the tearing, I understandably built up a good amount of scar tissue in the old hoo-haw. Apparently, sometimes, your body is a fucking idiot and doesn't know when to say when, and just keeps building scar tissue on top of scar tissue. This leads to big attractive flaps of extra vagina inside your vagina. I KNOW RIGHT.

I've been to see the OB three times since Teddy was born. Wanna know the treatment for extra cooch tissue? Motherfucking burning it off. I just got back from my latest appointment, and, to quote myself during birth, MY VAGINA IS ON FIRE. Seriously, it feels like there is a hot poker in there.

The kicker is, she couldn't get it all because it's too thick, so I have to go back at least once more. She joked that Teddy would be walking by the time I was all put back together. HAHA JOKES.

The moral of this story is, don't fucking have children.

I think one of the most surprising things about this experience, for me, has been the time it takes to heal. I was under the impression that 6 weeks postpartum, I'd be in almost perfect form, since that is when one is given the yea or nay on starting up with pre-birth activities like exercise and sex. I don't know why I thought that, I just did. Let me tell you, I was far from perfect then, just as I am far from perfect now, at 12 weeks postpartum. It's only been the past couple weeks that I could run without abdominal pain. It's been slightly longer that I could stand for longer than five minutes without taint swelling (it says TMI in the title, you got yourself into this).

I've been lucky with the weight. I gained 29 pounds during pregnancy, and I have lost just about 20 already. So I feel fat and none of my pants fit, but everyone says I look fantastic. Which is acceptable for now. Plus I went bra shopping a couple of weeks ago, and I am now officially a C cup. Since I was an A/B cup before getting knocked up, this is a huge moment for me. I've always been fond of milk, it's my favorite beverage, and now it's given me giant titties too. It's great stuff.

Sunday, March 2, 2014


It's a skill I've mastered. I'm still working on burpingcrochet, it's up a few difficulty levels.


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