Dear Bourbon,

Where have you been all my life?

Well today was just awful. I received terrible and unexpected news in an email in front of my boss, and was unable to show the reaction I wanted to show. I nearly threw up from trying to keep it in. It was a terrible feeling, made worse by knowing I had to keep it together until I was alone.

Thank the stars we still have some of that orange-coffee infused vodka left over from Thanksgiving.

...and then a year and a half later, I decided to reawaken my blog.

Well. Hello. I think it would be fitting to run down a quick list of all the things that have happened to me since my last post. It's fair to say that it's been a lot.

• I got engaged, on my 24th birthday, in the bathroom getting ready for bed, while wearing a shirt that says "Canada - it's better on top eh?" because Andrew and I are the epitome of class.
  

• I got braces, in June 2010. I've still got them, but my teeth are straight now. Eventually when I get them off, I will post pictures of the progression through the treatment, with many details about how painful it was and how big of a baby I am.
  

• I ran a half marathon. It took me 2 hours and 11 minutes, which was 11 minutes slower than my unofficial goal, and overall, an embarrassing pace. But I did it, mother fuckers, so there.
  

• I went to Hawaii and got married.
  

• I returned from Hawaii to find that my cat had lost himself. We still don't know where, or how, or when, but Paul is officially gone. And despite the fact that I was responsible for him, and something bad happened to the poor guy, he was a huge asshole, so I hope this doesn't turn out like a Fred Penner song.
  

• I grew my hair out really long again. I like short hair on me, but I really like having long hair. If I don't want to spend time on it in the morning, I don't have to. It does cost a lot more in shampoo.

That about sums up the significant events. I'm sure there are plenty I don't recall that were minutely life changing.

Until next time.

She is Mine

PRETTEH!

I don't buy everything I read; I haven't even read everything I've bought

Last night Tesla slept out of her crate for the very first time. She was very well behaved, she didn't roam around or get into any trouble at all. My little baby is growing up so fast.

I don't think Paul slept at all last night. He stayed up, peering over the edge of the bed, keeping watch in case she tried anything untoward.


Like his new blue bow tie tag? He likes it. He gets his expensive food all over it.

Tesla has been taking up all of my free time. I didn't realize how much time and effort dogs take; I used to come home from work, dick around for a while, go for a run or do some pilates or ride the bike, make supper, then read/watch some TV/go grocery shopping/play on the internets, and go to bed. Now, I come home from work, entertain/train/feed/care for Tesla for at least two hours, go to the dark park, make a late supper while trying to prevent Paul from killing Tesla or vice versa, eat it while watching TV at 9, then go to sleep after taking Tesla outside for a late night walk/poop. Weekends she gets up between 5:30 and 6 to be fed and pee, then she'll sleep a bit longer, until maybe 7:30. Then it's play time! Get up! Let's play! If she wasn't so fricking wonderful I would hate it.

This explains why she's all I ever talk about - she's all I have time for. I can't wait until she's 4. I've been told that's when labs generally settle into their calm and steady personalities. By then I'll probably have forgotten how much work she was as a puppy and will misguidedly want a baby. Goodbye personal freedoms.

We have, however, found the time (during her post-dog park naps) to find and buy this:

We should get to pick it up today, though hopefully it doesn't include that sample picture of an incestuous orgy, as the product photo suggests. Is that what entices buyers in today's world?

Andrew and I are finally entering the fine universe of HD. We're a little late, I know, but not everyone is rich with unlimited options. Especially those of us with mortgages and sick cats.

I am very excited. I think a movie marathon will soon be called for. Maybe we'll rent Homeward Bound for the kiddies.

An open letter

Dear Winter:

I fucking hate you.

You freeze my ass off, make my nose run most attractively, knock me off my feet with your cleverly hidden ice patches, and force me to do manual labour by dumping snow all over my driveway.

Year after year you intrude on both fall and spring, ruthlessly stealing months of pleasant weather for your own selfish glory.

What have I ever done to you? If I have mistreated you in any way, I apologize most sincerely. I would never wish harm on you, and I am sorry if you have interpreted my past words or actions as offensive. I didn't mean all those swears I said over the past couple decades.

Perhaps we could call a truce. You could stop beating my ass every fucking year, and I will buy some snow pants to frolic with you in the woods. Deal?

Lovingly,
Marsha

PS Fuck you.

Pet$

Pets are so expensive. It's the eyes, I swear. They look at you with those eyes, and before you know it you're coming home from "Christmas shopping" with dog toys and treats and goodies she just has to have, and you're talking like some kind of brain deficient because she's such a "cutie wootie oh look at her big paws I could just eat her right up for supper".

Tesla has turned out to be a fabulous little puppy. She enjoys learning new tricks, and has the ability to focus intensely for quite a while considering she's only 15 weeks old. Thanks to puppy classes and hours of work, she knows the basic commands of sit, down, and stand. We're working on stay right now, it's going slowly. She's not a fan of having to remain in one place for too long. Puppy energy.

She knows some tricks too, like speak, gimme 5, gimme 10, jump up, off, shake a paw, and drop it. Some of them will be useful in preventing her from eating things she's not supposed to, like loose change off the floor, or the cat, but most of them are just fun.

She's at the point now where sometimes she'll just try doing tricks without the command, just to see if she can get a treat. It's pretty funny. She's too cute.

High five!

Yes!

Treat!

Cats are expensive too, as it turns out. Especially when they have problems with their penis.

A few days ago, Paul stood up on our bed and promptly started peeing. When I rushed into the bedroom to stop him, I saw there were only a few drops of pee on the bedspread, not a big puddle. He had also been rather fatigued for a few days prior. Tesla had a vet appointment that night to get her final round of shots, so we decided to call the vet later that day and see if we should take Paul in at the same time.

At work, I called the vet at lunch time and told her what had happened. Her response was along the lines of "Your cat might die at any second". Turns out, male cats can often be susceptible to urinary blockage, especially those fed exclusively dry food, like Paul. Urinary blockage can be rapidly fatal, as toxins cannot be expelled from the body and kidney failure is nothing to sneeze at. Sooo, I rushed home in a panic and drove the poor kitty to the hospital. He had to stay overnight with a catheter up his noodle. He came home the next night with an arsenal of drugs, bloody paws, and an extremely nice attitude toward us.


I figured he was being so nice due to the drugs mellowing him out, but I wasn't complaining since not getting bitten in the thigh hard enough to draw blood when all I'm trying to do is get into bed is how I like to live my life.



So, the brave little soldier gets 6 pills and 2 shots of liquid shoved down his throat every day, and has to eat a prescription diet of canned food which he hates. This morning though, he attacked my ankles as I walked up the basement steps and I was overjoyed. A massive vet bill later, my kitty is back to his old self. I wouldn't have the little asshole any other way.